I’d like to think I was talking to Eloise Hawking…

At work, I try to carry myself with a certain degree of professionalism. However, I have a pretty strong personality that frequently slips out and usually (thankfully), my customers don’t necessarily catch that I’ve, you know, quietly started singing inappropriate lyrics that are stuck in my head  (one of my most common ones is from Rent’s La Vie Boheme: “To sodomy, it’s between God and me, to S&M!” Just right out loud. At Safeway. In the soup aisle.)

Usually, though, my slip-ups don’t feature religion or sexual practices, but they are just normal, off-the topic stuff.

Like today.

Caller: Hello, I need to see if you have a book.
Me: Sure, what’s the title?
Caller: Awakening by Matthew Bolton. It’s about a paraplegic.
Me: Okay, not finding that, but I do have Awakening by an S.J. Bolton; it’s a mystery.
Caller: It is a mystery.
Me: Oh, good, could this be it?
Caller: No,  it’s a mystery because I thought his name was Matthew.
Me: (polite laugh) Oh, I see. Okay, may I read you the rest?
Caller: Sure.
Me: Awakening by Wendi Corsi Staub, Awakening by Robin Wasserman, Awakening by –that’s weird– Kate Austin.
Caller: That is weird.
Me: Sorry, I just…
Caller: No, it is! Lost! You’re a Lostie too. We’re lost.
Me: (real laugh) Yeah, sorry, but weird. Of course, it’s a romance.
Caller: That’s funny!
Me: Okay, any of these?
Caller: No… (still laughing)
Me: I’ll check Amazon. I’m searching “Matthew” and “Awaken” to get all– Whoa.
Caller: What? Did you find it?
Me: (pause) Not exactly. (another pause) I’m  not finding it. Do you think you could get a little more information and call us back?
Caller: (quietly, like she knew what I saw) Sure.

This, my Losties, is what came up on Amazon. Gave me the freaking chills. Unless it was a set up. In which case, whoever you are, you’re mean.

Daddy issues...


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